I'm going to admit it: this entry will probably feel like a brain-dump. I'm attempting to unload and upload my thoughts that I've had over the past several months. While there may be times of great inspiration that fall out of this entry, it'll probably feel more like modern art where differing colors are thrown onto a canvas with no apparent rhyme or reason. I'll leave the interpretation to you.
Where am I heading with my life? Is my career path going to lead me where I want to end up? Should I consider leaving a profitable job to live the life of a student again to get to where I need to be going (wherever that is)? And what of my family?
Over the past several months, I have felt driven to explore where I am going. I feel at times that there is something greater out there for me, somewhere else I need to be. Something else that I need to be doing. Exactly what that is and how I am to get there is really beyond me.
And what if I am just not seeking to be content with my life? Am I looking for things that ought not to be? Shouldn't I be grateful for a stable job, especially in this time of recession? Are my sights too high? Am I looking for some undefined ideal that doesn't exist? Do I just need to be more content with my life?
Maybe I am going through a mid-life crisis. Maybe this is what a mid-life crisis is: when present situation does not seem to meet the ideal, somewhat undefined lifestyle.
Maybe I'm not destined to greatness in this life (though great things are to come in the next life). Maybe I need to recognize that I will always be ordinary. Maybe I just need to be content with life.
And so I keep researching and looking at my options. I suppose that a large part of this internal battle stems from my unhappiness at work. Work is hard. It is tough. It demands a lot out of me personally. It is an uphill battle everyday at work. I feel like I am in the middle of a meat grinder at times, transforming me in a lump of mush that can be useful in a different way--my present state not anything like my final state.
Or maybe I am like a lump of clay. I am being pushed and prodded and molded and spun and thrown about. I am being molded into something new. But what I am being molded into--a shift supervisor--is it right for me? Will I be thrown out in the process because I just don't get it, because I won't make it, because I'm not good enough? What if I crack in the heat of the furnace?
Such are my thoughts. I am looking for something new. Do I need to look for something else? Is there something else for me? Or am I just looking for excuses to bail out of my current situation? Does God see something else out there for me? And if so, how will I have the sufficient faith to make it happen?
Of these things I am certain and give me comfort: God, faith, family, Church, love, hope, Spirit, growth, potential.
